Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. I don't know how far Gray's title of a statement is true, but there is definitely a difference in the way they are raised and treated in each phase of life.
Times are changing for sure. From marrying girls at the age of 15-16 to a suitable suitor chosen by the parents, they were given a choice to say 'yes' or 'no' and now to choose their husband. For the past two to three generations, parents' outlook has been changing and girls are treated equally with boys. I don't want to generalize here, as the state of affairs have not changed in many communities.
Girls are given the opportunity to pursue higher education of their choice, choose the field they want to establish their career and marry the guy of their dreams. Talking beyond marriage, these days women have the will and freedom to break the bondage of marriage if things do not work out. But, has this really changed their fate? If so, in what way?
I know a girl who was married right after college as she had a heart break in college. Her family treated it as a second marriage for her while looking for grooms. She was fancily married to an ABCD (American Born Confused Desi) who didn't want a penny in dowry. Only after coming here did she realise that the guy had some psychological problems that she cannot cure despite waiting for few years. Long story short, she got divorced and tried leading a peaceful life.
Born to middle class Indian parents, she couldn't escape her family's societal responsibilities of letting an young, beautiful, divorced daughter stay alone in a far off country. The mom didn't want her dear daughter to marry a divorcee. There was a logical reasoning behind it. As her daughter hadn't shared a marital life with her first husband, the mom felt questioned why she should marry a divorcee?
So, the hunt for a prospective groom has begun. Her profile was put up in the matrimonial sites and word was spread among near and dear. All the matches she got were of either a divorcee or a widower. She's pretty, young, independent, modern yet traditional.
Who said to marry her off to a divorcee? Well, we are after all dealing with a broad spectrum of Indian males here. Why would an unmarried 'Indian' man in his right senses marry a divorcee? Are you crazy? Not to lose heart, she sent her profile to some eligible unmarried guys. They rejected her out rightly, that's a different story.
Let me tell you. It's not the same rule for them. He is divorced, has kids and wants an unmarried girl. He is divorced, no kids, wants an unmarried girl. He crossed the marriageable age, half bald, as round as anything can be, wants an unmarried girl. Isn't he age barred? He's been married for two times and has a glorious history of ill-treating his wives, wants an unmarried girl. Is it just because she's a virgin? Who knows? Had she lost her virginity & not been married; the guy remains clueless of her physical qualification and he would be happily married ever after. We Indians are an educated mass who has a broader outlook not to marry a woman who lost her virginity to some worthless fellow. What defines virginity anyway?
Our land has borne great reformers who fought for widow remarriages, women education & empowerment and equal opportunities. Even after hundred years of all of these fights, where we boast of our nation as an emerging power, it's hard for a divorced girl to get married, if not impossible. Will the times change ever? Will we change ever?
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I agree with every word you have written. I wish things change for the better.
ReplyDeleteOof! Seriously, it's such a headache dealing with people like that! !
ReplyDeleteI dnt even understand such hoo haa over virginity. Indians are so particular about it, it borderlines on stupidity.
ReplyDeleteThe thought process need to be changed from the grass root level...i.e the family. If the family believes that their daughter deserves another divorcee or that she cannot live happily alone, how can we expect the society to accept us as we are?
ReplyDeleteI think the arrange marriage set up needs a change. If this girl were to chat on social networks, hook up with people from office or date random men would she be judged? When you bring parents in the picture before the girl/boy, the mind set totally changes. That is why I am a fan of love marriages... the two people involved decide on so called morality or physical disability or religion or anything that is considered abnormal by others.
ReplyDeleteLike Nisha says above perhaps the girl needed to take things in her own hand. But who's to know. Sometimes, it is difficult to break free from the shackles of conventionality.
ReplyDeleteIt's true that we need to break all shackles...I'm all for it , fiercely infact..But you know I have found out sometimes it's so hard..that makes me angry but it's so hard...
ReplyDeleteM for Motherly-Random Thoughts Naba
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ReplyDeleteBeing a divorcee should not go against any one,man woman.There could be many valid reasons for divorce- physical,psychological as you had pointed out,deceit about status etc.If two are compatible and like each other nothing should stand against them.Things are progressing towards this scenario though haltingly.
ReplyDeleteThe double standards are sad. However, I do see things changing slowly - we can only hope!
ReplyDeleteF in F,
ReplyDeleteYou have stated the hard facts which though are under change but at a very slow pace. I wonder if I will see really visible change during my life time!
Take care
Double standards are bad no matter which side it favors!!
ReplyDelete~S(t)ri
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WOW, I am amazed by the double standards that you face in your country. That is so unfair and completely not right. I hope things change soon. Women have as much right to a happy life as men. Just my humble opinion.
ReplyDeleteIt is sad, but true that there are two sets of rules,for boys and girls. Right from childhood parents pamper their boys, send them to best schools but the girls are are reminded at every step that they have to go to their in laws and learn good manners.There are numberless incidents(even today) when parents make such statements.
ReplyDeleteThere should be a time when matrimonial sites are done away with and people marry someone they met and liked irrespective of their history (both sides) rather than define their needs and then look for a match. T ill then nothing will be fair.
ReplyDeleteIt is so difficult to relate to your customs but reading all these posts about arranged marriages has sure been an education. Thank you
ReplyDeleteCarol @ Battered Hope