My mom was/is a tailor not by passion or choice but to survive. As a tween and an older child, I always kept guard of her at her tailoring shop. In free time or holidays, I would help her by hemming the blouses with my nimble fingers. Many a times, I tried to sort the threads and arrange them. It's quite a boring job to do but a busy mind is never bored, right? For everyone, they may just be a clump of threads but for me......

I tried to untangle them
from age very little
Some cut my hand
some cut themselves
Some curled at the edges
Some were stubborn
unwilling to untangle

I had to cut them
like a baby's umbilical cord

like a barber

like a piece of cloth

like a lawn mover
like a tangled thread

I tried to reason why?
Why women continue
in their valueless marriages
with worthless husbands

I tried to reason why?
she cannot live with him

I tried to understand why?
she cannot live without him

I tried to find the answers
for some of life's
tangled relations

Why do people drift away

Once together

Now apart forever

Why do sisters

become strangers?

Why do best of friends

are not best any more?

I tried to untangle them
like Mom's tangled threads
I keep trying
hoping to find answers
one day.....

My questions lay answered
like my mom's tangled threads!!

My Poems

Posted By Found In Folsom

This is a long over due post which didn't carry much importance and hence fell through the cracks. However, the weather past week has reignited few thoughts that were not paid attention for.

The past decade has seen a surge in people moving to Texas from all over the U.S. Like hundreds of families who couldn't afford to buy a home in California, we also made the call and relocated to Texas around 7 something years back. Back then the only thing friends told us is Texas doesn't have State tax and house prices are low. We did our math in terms of pay cuts and still moved for a better quality of life. However, there are few things that you discover only after moving here and which no really bothers to inform:

1. There is no state tax but you pay Toll on almost every highway you get onto. I paid $5 (the least) per day for Toll for almost 5 years.
2. If you worked in the East or the West Coasts and find a job in Texas, then be ready for a huge pay cut. If you are relocating holding a job in your respective coasts, then it's a jackpot 😉
3. Property tax is double than what you pay in East or West Coasts
4. Buying a house doesn't amount to only paying the Mortgage plus Tax plus Insurance. (This pointer is for first time home buyers). There are many additional costs to it. Changing your AC filters every 3 months. Paying for your lawn mowing twice a month, paying the cleaners every month.
5. Texas weather is not something you can predict. Your day will start in Spring, midday is  Summer and evening a Fall. The trees are either Green or Brown. There is no other color in between.
6. There is also a risk of Hurricanes, Hail storms occasionally. We are not equipped to handle the extreme Winter Storms that passed by us last week. When it rains, it pours and it suits Texas well 😀
7. There are very limited outdoor activities for kids or sightseeing. The nearest is Austin which is a 3 hour drive.
8. One thing to not get disappointed is the number of Indian restaurants and Indian stores. I have around 8 or more Indian stores within 5 miles of my house. Indian Restaurants, I lost count. Either I am living in a hub or Dallas is crowded that way, I donno 😏
9. Public Schools are well funded and college tuition is much cheaper.
10. Despite all this, people are still moving here for the affordability of houses which are not as affordable anymore.

Having said all of this, I have no regrets moving here. I made great friends, worked at one of the best companies in the country and made life lasting memories. Dallas also made us closer to family due to it's proximity. Above all, I have a small lawn and I can grow my own veggies or mess with it the way I want 😊

Posted By Found In Folsom

In the past 9 or so years I had the blog, I never wrote any gratitude posts, year round up posts, looking back or contemplation posts. But this year has been different for all of us in more ways than we know. Starting from March when the lockdown was announced, we all were struck with fear even to step outside and breathe freely. We washed vegetables and sanitized what not. We all lived in the fear of being alive at one point. 

I saw my immediate family get severely attacked with Covid and how terribly they suffered and survived. This year witnessed the passing away of my grandfather and mom silently weeping his death from here. I don't like this year for many reasons that could or could not be Corona related. Many of my close friends lost their parents. A loss that is not replaceable but a void that cannot be filled as they could not attend for their last viewing.

A dear friend of mine accidentally chopped an inch of her finger and how she braved and survived the entire ordeal and finally able to retain it...I cannot even imagine to bear a hundredth of the pain she had been through. My dear, you raised the bar very high in this regard. Another close friend's mom who is hale and healthy being diagnosed with lung cancer left me speechless. Valli's death left our family with a huge void that's irreplaceable.

Losing our most favorite SPB, a loss that's personal to each of us.. My heart aches and throbs even today if I see his music concerts on TV. I don't remember crying ever over a celebrity's death but he made me weep and how? I believe many of you echo my feelings. 

Apart from all the sad things, this year I did a wee bit of gardening. I did not plan on growing any vegetables owing to CTS for my both hands. A friend gave me a couple of saplings of Dosakaya and I planted them. My neighbors and other friends gave me a couple of Malabar Spinach saplings, Amaranth seeds. I was tempted to buy a couple of tomato plants. The beefsteak variety gave me some produce and other one was not so great. I tried Capsicum too but I couldn't produce the cost of the pots, soil or say at least the cost of the plant :( :( Man, Peppers take forever to grow. I even started a small compost bin and religiously put all the scrapes in it. I joined a gardener's group and got two small beds built for next year. Every evening, going into the backyard and looking at the 4-5 plants I am growing gave me immense pleasure. Pulling out weeds, looking at their flowers, tiny vegetables, hidden vegetables gave me hope for life everyday.

On the personal front, we had a couple of mile stones but we could not celebrate together as a family. My sis in law turned 50, my mother in law turned 70. I still had a job, my son is applying for colleges, my sister is moving to Texas. Finally I get to see my mom after an excruciatingly long year. 

2020 taught us a lot of things we have taken for granted. Planners like me wrote list after list at the end of the month when the vegetables were almost done. People who hated leftovers or thought freezer stuff was unhealthy loaded their freezers. Panic stricken folks hoarded toilet paper, wipes, laundry detergents and every cleaning supply on the planet. Many people I know said they developed stronger bonds with their families. All of our patience and tolerance levels definitely went a notch up. Priorities changed. Everyone learned to find comfort in their zones. Above all, it taught us to count our blessings!

With this, I want to end my reminiscing of the most dreadful year of the Century yet thanking God for still keeping me and my loved ones safe from the disasters and keeping it all together. I wish all my friends and loved ones and the few who read my blog and their families a great year ahead. I wish the vaccine comes soon and there will be a day when Covid is noting but a regular flu. Until then, Happy Holidays and Stay safe, folks!

Scribbles

Posted By Found In Folsom

మొన్న నా ఫ్రెండ్ నాగిని వాళ్ళమ్మగారి గురించి రాసిన పోస్ట్ చదివాక, నాకు కొన్ని జ్ఞాపకాలు గుర్తొచ్చాయి. నేను ఒక టైములో ఎథిస్ట్ మాదిరి గానే ఉండే దాన్ని. అమ్మ కూడా మా  చిన్నప్పటి నుండి పెద్ద పూజలు, గట్రా  చేసే టైపు కాదు. అంతెందుకు ప్రతి రోజు దీపం పెట్టే అలవాటు కూడా తనకి లేదు. నాకు ఎప్పుడు అదో తప్పు లాగా అస్సలు అనిపించేదే కాదు. అమ్మని అలా చూసి పెరగటం వల్లనో ఏమో నాకు పెద్ద భక్తి అబ్బలేదు. కానీ ప్రతి సంవత్సరం క్రమం తప్పకుండా వినాయక చవితి, దీపావళి మాత్రం ఇంట్లో బాగా జరుపుకునే వాళ్ళము. అదే అలవాటు కాబోలు, ఇప్పటికి ఆ ఆనవాయితీ కంటిన్యూ చేస్తాను.

నా హై స్కూల్ అయ్యాక ఖమ్మం నుండి కొత్తగూడెం మారాక, అమ్మ తన టైలరింగ్ షాప్ మానేసి  ఇంట్లో ఉండేది. నాన్న రోజు బయటకి వెళ్ళే ముందు, అమ్మని, కొద్దిగా వాకిలి ఊడ్చి ముగ్గు వేయొచ్చు కదా అంటే, వరండాలో కూర్చుని సీరియస్ గా ఈనాడు పేపర్లో ఎడిటోరియల్ పేజీలో మునిగిపోయిన అమ్మ తలెత్తి ఒక్క లుక్ ఇచ్చేది.  ఆవిడ చూపు , ఆయన విసుగు మొహం రెండు మెదడు లో అలా ఉండి  పోయాయి.

నాన్నకి ఎప్పటి నుండి అలవాటో నాకు గుర్తు లేదు కానీ శివుడుకి పూజ చేయకుండా మాత్రం బయటకి వెళ్ళే వాళ్ళు కాదు. నేను ఇంటర్లో శ్రీశైలం ఎక్స్కర్షన్ వెళ్ళినప్పుడు సరదాగా ఒక చిన్న గాజు శివలింగం తెచ్చాను. కానీ తెచ్చాక ఎవరో చెప్పారు. ఇంట్లో శివలింగం ఉంటే ప్రతి రోజు అభిషేకం  చేయాలని. అప్పటి నుండి నాకు తెలిసి తాను పోయే ముందు వరకు కచ్చితంగా చేసే ఉంటాడు.  ఆ అభిషేకం చేసే అప్పుడు మంత్రాలు ఇంటి పెంకులు అదిరిపోయే సౌండ్ లో మోగి పోయేవి.  అమ్మ తన స్టైల్లో నవ్వేది. మెల్లగా చదివినా శివుడికి వినిపిస్తుంది అని. ఎంతటి పని ఉన్న రోజు అయినా దీపాలు కడగకుండా, పూలు పెట్టకుండా, అభిషేకం చేయకుండా బయట పనులకి బయలు దేరే వాళ్ళు కాదు.

మా చుట్టుపక్కల పల్లెటూళ్ళలో పురుగుమందు చావులు తరచూ వింటూనే ఉండే వాళ్ళము. ఏ చావు వార్త వచ్చినా,  ఆ శివుడు కి నాలుగు పటిక బెల్లం పలుకులు పెట్టకుండా గేటు దాటిన గుర్తు లేదు నాకు. ప్రతి కార్తీక మాసంలో క్రమం తప్పకుండా మా పక్క ఊర్లోని శివాలయానికి  డబ్బులు, పెద్ద క్యాన్ నువ్వుల నూనె ఇచ్చే అలవాటు తనకి. ఇష్టం ఉన్నా లేకపోయినా కార్తీక పౌర్ణమి నాడు దీపాలు వెలిగించటానికి అమ్మని కూడా తీసుకుని వెళ్ళటం ఆనవాయితి.

తరువాత రోజుల్లో వ్యాపారం సరిలేక , ఇంట్లో పరిస్థితులు కష్టంగా ఉన్న రోజున కూడా అలానే నూనె ఇస్తే, అమ్మకి వచ్చిన కోపం అంతా ఇంతా కాదు. మానవ సేవే మాధవ సేవ అనేది అమ్మ ఫిలాసఫీ. చిన్నపటి నుండి అమ్మ అంతే. అలాంటి పెంపకం వల్లనో ఏమో గుడిలో $5 వేయటానికి నాకు చేయి రాదు. అదే ఎవరికన్నా ఎమన్నా అయింది అని తెలిస్తే, గో ఫండ్ మి కి $25 ఇవ్వటానికి వెనుకాడను.

ఒక పదిహేను సంవత్సరాలు ఫాస్ట్ ఫార్వర్డ్ బటన్ నొక్కితే, కొన్ని స్వయం కృతాపరాధాల వల్ల ఛిద్రం  ఐన ఆయన జీవితం చివరికి ఎలా ముగుస్తుందో, ఎలాంటి చావు వస్తుందో అని మేము ఎప్పుడూ బాధ పడుతూనే ఉండే వాళ్ళము. కానీ తను ఎక్కువ బాధ పడకుండా, అనారోగ్యంతో ఎక్కువ ఇబ్బంది పడకుండా, ఆ శివయ్య త్వరగానే తీసుకెళ్ళిపోయాడు. తన హాస్పటిల్ ఖర్చులకి, తన చావుకి, మందులకి ఎవరి దగ్గర ఒక్క రూపాయి చేయి చాచకుండా సరిపడా ఉంచుకున్నారు. అందరం వెళ్ళి జరగవలసిన కార్యక్రమాలు అన్నీ చేసి వచ్చాము. ఏనాడూ పూజలు శ్రద్దగా చేయని అమ్మ నాన్న అస్తికలు కాశీలో కలిపి వచ్చింది. ఈ సంవత్సరం ఎంతో మంది తల్లితండ్రులు కరోనా కి బలైయ్యారు. చాలా మంది దిక్కు మాలిన వారి లాగా, అనాధ శవాల్లాగా ఒక కార్యం, తంతు జరగకుండా ఈ  భూమిని విడిచి వెళ్ళారు. అలంటి ఏ వార్త విన్నా, మనసులో ఒక్కటే తలంపుకి వస్తుంది. మా నాన్న ఎంత అదృష్టవంతుడు?  లేక ఆయన పూజల ఫలితామా? ఆ శివయ్య అలా గౌరవంగా తీసుకుని పోయాడా అని.....

నాగిని, ఇది నీ కోసం. అమ్మ నన్ను వెంట బెట్టుకుని పనిమాలా గుడికి తీసుకుని వెళ్ళిన  సందర్భాలు నాకు గుర్తులేవు. నాకు ఎప్పుడు వెళ్ళాలని అనిపించేది కాదు. చాలా ఏళ్ళు అసలు దేవుడు, గుడి అని నమ్మకం లేక ప్రతి గురువారం నా ఫ్రెండ్స్ బాబా గుడికి వెళ్తే, గుడి ముందు దాకా వెళ్ళి కూడా లోపలకి వెళ్ళకుండా వాళ్ళ కోసం బయట ఉండి పోయే దాన్ని. బాబా తన భక్తుల్ని ఎక్కడ ఉన్నా రప్పించుకుంటారు అంట. ఇప్పుడు బాబాని నేను నామస్మరణ చేయని రోజు ఉండదు. అలా అని ప్రపంచం లో ఏది జరిగినా, అయ్యో ఇలా ఎందుకు చేసావు దేవుడా? నాకే ఈ కష్టాలు ఎందుకు అని అస్సలు ఎప్పుడూ అనుకునే రకం కాదు. మానవ ప్రయత్నం మనం చేసి మిగతాది దేవుని మీద వదిలేయటమే అని నమ్ముతాను . ఇది ఎందుకు రాసాను అంటే మన ఇద్దరి నాస్తికత్వానికి, ఆస్తికత్వానికి కొంచెం పోలిక ఉందనిపించి :) కొంచెం పెద్దయ్యాక మాత్రం  పండగల రోజు అయితే  గుడికి నా వల్ల కాదు అని అర్ధం అయింది. నాకు గుడికి వెళ్తే, దేవుని మీద భక్తి కన్నా జనాలు వేసుకునే బట్టలు, నగలు....పీపుల్ వాచింగ్ అనే ఒక మాయరోగం ఏడ్చి చచ్చింది. ఆ రోగాన్ని పెంచి పోషించటం ఎక్కువ చేస్తాను. సో, అదన్న మాట స్టోరీ. మొత్తానికి నాలుగు ముక్కలు రాయించినందుకు, నీకు బోలెడన్ని తాంక్ యులు అన్నమాట.

అలా థెయ్సం కి అథేయిజం కి మధ్యలో పెరిగిన నేను ఇవాళ రోజున కార్తీక మాసంలో రోజు దీపం పెడదాం అనుకునే దాకా వచ్చాను.

ఇంతకీ మా నాన్న పేరు చెప్పలేదు కదూ... నాన్న పేరు శంకర్. తాత పేరు సదాశివరావు. నాన్న వాళ్ళింట్లో ఏంటో అందరికి శివుడు ఫామిలీ పేర్లే ఉంటాయి. మా పెద్దత్త పేరు భవాని, రెండో అత్త పేరు వినయ, మూడో అత్త నాగరాణి.  నాన్న ఆఖరి  దాకా తనే భోజనం  పంపేది. నాగక్కా, ఆ శివయ్య నిన్ను ఎప్పుడూ చల్లగా చూడాలని కోరుకుంటాము.  What's in a name? I really don't know.

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Posted By Found In Folsom

When my father passed away last August, we stayed back at our village home to complete the rituals and the 11th-day ceremony. As the home was not occupied by our own family, some tenants were residing. Once they vacated, we started to clean the home and make it ready for the 11th day. As you start to live in the house only do you notice what is working and what is not. Mom decided to get the dangling electric wires in the front verandah fixed for once and all. No one has touched the wiring of the home after it was constructed some 45 years ago. In India, you can get anything done overnight you see. Especially in small towns and villages. There would be an electrician who is also a farmer who is also a student or who would also be your medical shop guy. So, my uncle arranged for this guy to come and fix the switchboards in almost all the rooms, fix the ceiling fans, and put the wires in their places. The guy came with an assistant and worked from morning to past noon. As it was past lunchtime, we offered him to eat lunch and he politely denied it. This happened the second day too. I am one of those who fuss when people don't eat food on time and I kept badgering him to come and eat. That's when he smiled and said, "My father also passed away six months back. We don't eat at anyone else's home for a year." Surprised, I asked him, "What if you happen to go and stay somewhere?" He continued.."No. We don't visit anyone's home for a year". I convinced him that there's a death in this family too, he could eat here, and that it won't make a difference. I answered his questions about our U.S life stories while they ate at my heart's content.

However, after they left, his words kept me thinking. There is a reason why families practiced mourning in the olden days. The thoughts went deeper and deeper when I decided that I would also practice like that guy for a year. By not going to anyone's homes for a year. I know it wouldn't be possible and most of my friends would be upset if I said that. On the contrary, this year most of our close friends had many ceremonies and parties planned ahead and we missing them would really become a big deal. I decided to worry about it later and truly cherished each day I spend there.

           Unexpectedly, I fell sick on the 11th-day ceremony and was hospitalized. God knows what mosquito it was, thankfully I tested negative for both Dengue and Chicken Guinea. One report said Jaundice. Not exactly sure what it was, but it did have an impact on me both physically and mentally. Life was never back to normal after the fever. My return trip got postponed and I came back to the U.S after I felt I had the ability to travel. Once I was back, my physical pain added to the mental agony. That is when I realized I was really not ready to meet people yet. I would evade people or invitations. I avoided gatherings for more than a quarter. Social distancing began a few months ahead for me. Being myself made me do a lot of self-talk. Made me realize which friends really made the effort to come and see me. Who actually called me. Who texted me. Who checked on my well-being. Maybe this is one of the reasons people keep it low during mourning. To understand and know the people who value you and whose value is pertinent in your life. I know not everyone is comfortable in consoling around a death. I don't have any hard feelings for those. And I also made a mental note of those who did not. Who would otherwise talk to me with their hearts open as if my existence in their lives meant a lot. It could be the awkwardness of the situation or their own clumsiness to handle death, all it takes is one sentence. "I am sorry for your loss". Not all deaths are the same and not all losses are the same. This may not mean much but it makes a difference to the bereaved. 

              Thinking about all the upcoming celebrations I had to attend and knowing that denying them will be something that I can't make others comprehend, I was slowly getting out of my cocoon. Thanks to my manager, he let me work from home from anywhere; I could visit mom and spend a wonderful time with my sister's family for Christmas. Come New Year, we were home to start 2020. After a couple of months, friends started making plans for the upcoming celebrations and my calendar was booked till the end of August. Not long after the plans were taking shape, happened the unforgettable Covid-19 and my deepest desire for social distancing had become a permanent one. Can you believe that I was one happy person to go bury myself in my cocoon? I am deeply sorry for all the lives lost, all the families displaced and thousands of people unemployed. My heart breaks thinking about the front-line workers risking their lives. I pray for all the small business owners who are losing thousands of dollars locked up in homes. I wish and hope everything and everyone gets back to their normal lives pretty soon; but if you ask me to social distance for a few more months, I am OK with it. Few more years? I do not know. Time has to say...

Life

Posted By Found In Folsom